Letting the Old Year go!

Preparing myself for celebration is to prepare myself for Christmas. I always forget about the New Years! For me it is more about surviving the first holiday.

This year I didn't really want to do anything. Till now I've always spent it at home, simply because I never got a party invitation. Well times have changed and the situation has improved. I have one invitation to go and have fun with my friend who lives almost next door. And just for the sake of not being home, I got one of my girlfriends (who till now had the same situation as I did) and we are going to celebrate together.

We need to bring some drinks of our own and some food since the guy can't feed 20 people and can't really supply all the alcohol to satisfy the New Year's thirst!

So this is what we got. Not that big of a concern about how it tastes... it's vodka, all taste the same (in real life I know it is not true, but tonight I ignore that)... but we two are getting pissed in style!!!!! I give you our New Years friend: Absolut - Rock Edition!

***

Before I have a family dinner, before I get ready for the party, I will find a corner where to write down all my wishes for next year. And I can tell you what it is going to be: I wish to simply find a place on Earth for me, understand myself and forgive myself, stop hating my being and everything I do.

I have had one Hell of a year. From a happy person I rapidly turned into someone who needs a bit of help to get by. But now when that is over, I have come out a little better. I still have a lot of work to do!

And just like my wishes I will write down my thanks to the all-mighty-and-kind universe. I have had some great things happen to me, great people loved me, great people helped me when I needed the most and great people are still there for me.

But mostly it is thanks for people I have had around: Mom, Milda, Radu, Giannis, Richard, Eva, Māris, Sandra, Kate, Elīna, Mārtiņš, Madara, Inese, Sam... you have been the kindest souls ever!

I believe that the new decade is going to be mine and it is going to be great!

And my New Years wish to you all is: Have a peaceful loving heart!

I'll see you in 2010!

FFS

1. You type a damned e-mail, even if it's a: "I don't want to speak to you ever again, you awkward fool!"!

2. You stop breathing exhaust fumes and let me see you, and you make me feel bad when you make a scene that I haven't informed you that I'm home, I had landed a day ago! And I have chosen you! (sounds... dodgy, I know. Nothing bad intended!)

3. NO, I do not want to marry you, piss off!

4. Just slow down!

Said out loud

Why do people keep blogs? Somehow I think it is to serve a grater purpose. Well, too bad for you, I don't have a grater purpose. It is just going to be my random thoughts this time.

I am an intraverse person. I don't communicate or open up so easily. Yeah, sure, I am friendly and everyone likes me, and I can chat with people about hockey and sports for a while, till they like me and about something more general like traveling... Seems I'm easy to talk with. It is not so entirely. I have to group myself and my will to be so. It is like I would prepare myself for a little role, something that is a lie but I can present it really convincingly.

There was this guy who wanted to ask me out, just for a coffee or a lunch on one of the days I'm in London. All the time we were friendly chatting about independent movies (it was the closing night of a film festival) and what I like in big commercial movies and why I am not ashamed of it and why he does not like them at all. And when we got to he coffee part it was something I hadn't rehearsed and I freaked out. Suddenly the crowd was closing in and I was stepping back, and every time I did so, he took a step forward and (as tragic as it wouldn't be, I do think this is funny) I couldn't find a polite way how to tell this lovely guy to STOP (for the love of God) getting too close to me! He noticed it when I took a step that made me almost fall over a chair. I apologized, somewhat made up a fobia of crowds (it partly is real, though) and we continued chatting about cakes, Harry Potter (don't know how that happened), and The Baltic Pearls film festival.

Today I understood that it is really hard for me to just have a conversation. If I stop pretending it is like a WOW brand new conversation! And I can't explain the difference and how and why and where I do it, but it is amazing. Sometimes people pull me out of my comfort zone and they don't let me sneak the conversation back in it. And suddenly then I can't follow it, I don't understand the (common) English words are used and I just slime and nod and am thinking how to leave the room.

It happens mostly with my manager at work. Well lately he just talk really really fast to confuse me and then makes me annoyed and then just makes fun of me. Since I don't even understand what he is talking about, I just leave the room.

Sometimes I can have an hour long conversation with someone and I wouldn't have understood a single thought they said. Now, if I take a step back and look at it, it feels really comic and idiotic!!!

Have we had a conversation about anything?

Home so far

It's been almost a week since I managed to get out of England. God, I remember how much I wanted to come home, how, for ages, that was the only thing I could think about.

Well I am here now. I managed to survive the Heathrow mealtdown on Monday and was forced (and I let them to do so) to stay in Prague over the night and only on Tuesday I got home... without my luggage! They delivered it yesterday!

I have to say I haven't done anything yet.

Well I did go to my doctor! And she prescribed me anti

-depressants! Not sure if they are for me or for my vagina since they were prescribed my by gynecologist?! Dunno!

I had a very vivid dream. A very kinky one where I had the most sexy dress a

man can make. Well that I can think of and my mom can make!

I can't wait to have it! It might take a decade for me to get an occasion where to where it, it does not matter. It was form a black fabric. The Dress wrapped around my body as second skin, it felt like a pair of big strong hands would be holding me by the waist. And you know what? The weirdest thing is that you can make a dress give you that sensation. And that's why I love clothes. If you choose wisely it can fool your senses and give

you a feeling you miss a lot, or a little, it depends on your feelings....

Besides making my mom reconsider her wish to make some piece of clothing for her daughter form a 17 year old fashion magazine (and I have to say, they paid hell lot more attention to women's breasts and the construction of clothing around them at that time) I have been eating of course!

Potatoes, meat, roast, cabbage (makes me fart like rocket, sorry for my french), pastries, candy, clementines, vodka... well you know, every thing is like it should be when one goes home to a small European country.

What else have I done in these inspiring few days home?

I have alienated and probably pissed off a friend of mine... me and my big mouth. It's gonna get some in return tomorrow, I am going to dentist.

I have held a two week old baby (I never touched new borns, they freaked me out, not only they are the best contraception on earth, I was afraid that I might... well... brake it somehow by holding it wrong or what not!)

All in all I still feel like this!

And I didn't win that damn phone! Does any one has a spare Nokia N97Mini?

Question

I came to study photography to be away form Fine Art and brushes and paints and and and and, but still be an artist... And now I am moving away form photography back into Fine Art! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!

About lying

One thing I can tell you all: depression (narcissistic or any other kind) isn't a nice place where to be. And what makes it even less enjoyable is the fact, that I might have been in that shit place for much longer time then me myself or any of the people that surrounds me can estimate.

You know there is a saying that if you keep lying long enough you yourself are going to believe it. This is exactly my case. I lie to myself so well... or I have been lying to myself for so long that I have fooled myself in believing that I was fine, that I wasn't angry, that I possibly wasn't depressed and that it most definitely isn't real.

This summer I was left totally alone. I spent my summer in England working and doing nothing but that. I felt like I was punished! And there was no one around.. no one to whom I could lie about how I am. I didn't have to be fine, I didn't have to be happy because there was no one who would see me. And suddenly all the truths came crushing down. And maybe it was good that I was left even more alone when autumn came. I could stop lying to myself and to everyone else. Though I still say to everyone that I am fine, that I am ok, that everything is ok... because I am ok, technically. Some times I think that only person who actually accepts that I hate myself, that I hate so many things, that I feel so miserable is my therapist. When I am with some one else I feel like nothing that happens with me is real, that I am only imagining it! That the pathetic amount of work I made was just laziness, that the enormous self aggression was just because I had too much time on my hands. But it all is there and it all is real. And I had stopped functioning for a while there: I had stopped eating, taking care of myself, being kind to myself, not sleeping, lying in my bed with a blank mind for hours at a time. But no one knew that...

You saw me during the summer and I seemed fine? I was smiling and engaging in a normal conversation? I was on time for work? Yes indeed I was. Work was the only thing that actually made me leave the house looking like a human. Because if I hadn't done that people would have noticed that something isn't fine, that I am not fine. I couldn't let that happen, so all summer long I was lying: colleagues, loved ones, friends and in the end... myself.

I bet it's something no one believes. This always smiling person? Really?

See how well I lie? See how sincere my smile always is? You'll never know when I am angry and probably I'll never know as well!

Lets talk SNOW!!!!!

So I am looking forward to going home: looking forward for white Christmas with loads of family and friends, good food, snowboarding, photo adventures, new mom/tailor made beautiful clothes and everything else I could get form going home.

YES, I want to see some snow. Yes, I am capable of handling snow! Yes, I have clothes and boots to keep me worm in -20C... BUT even my snow and cold capacity has boundaries and this is just a little too much. But I still am beyond excited!!!!

The news man with a boring voice informed Latvians to make sure they have wood supplies for heat, food supplies for a day or two, some candles in a well known easy to find place... why?

Because there is a lazy, slow moving, very active cyclone just over the coast line and guess what... it snowed like doomsday is here... and that is just the beginning!!!! :D

Pictures form Lativa taken today (not by me though...)

Financial suffering for your art

A dear friend of mine always is broke.

He is suffering for his art! Always buying films, papers, emulsions, lenses, cameras, software, hardware.... always broke.

And I have always understood how the math happens (and more important WHY), how when you have money, you have to spend it on something worth while and why it all makes perfect sense!

Since I never have created much art work of my own, I understood only the somewhat technical side of it: one day you need a roll or a box of film, you then get money, you buy it, no money. Crystal clear!

I have started to create my own work now. There is a very pressing need for STUFF: portfolio's and sleeves, film leader retrievers, more then 15 rolls of different type and ISO films for the holidaysand and other things for just my own enjoyment (and I am saving money for copper plates so I can try photo etchings, large photo paper, more common sense and self confidence, and just maybe my own 100 whole per centimeter silk screen...) But all those small things i did buy already have completely emptied my bank account. And there is no regret. And like he (though his purchases are way more heavy weight) there is no second thoughts. Sure, painful (financially) if it turns out a waste or a mistake or a failure, but nothing else could stand in the way. If needed everything else is cut of to extremely low budget: friends, relationships, alcohol, our own food, hobbies, clothes, traveling, nights out... Only family still might have some or the only weight in re-considering.

And now "suffering for your art" isn't really suffering- it simply is a necessity that puts other things more in the background... Because that is who he is, who I am, who most of my friends are - artists! The worst and most brilliant profession the universe has created!

P.S. I am glad to say that my own First set of prints are done. They are brilliant. An A/P signed and framed print is on wall in the print rooms in Uni and a signed 1/1 print on a lovely Sumrerset paper is put in the new portfolio I mentioned earlier! Life is looking more colourful today...

My References

I haven' t produced work in ages!

It feels terrible. No ideas, no progress, no creativity... just a terrified blank mind!

Well it can' t go on like that for ever, now can it?

So to get this boat rowing I started with ... a collage.

(SORRY for the sad quality)

SO arranging and rearranging this into 11 different stencils and having an on going discussion about layers and more colours and a bright red (Richard was right, I don' t understand how and why but he simply was...) I got an almost ready image in a very bad quality to show you here!

I sure hope that this is the beginning of a slow movement to better things!

NOT moving on fucking sucks!!!

The previous post says what happened. This one is an update: nothing has changed.

I feel like I have changed, but not the right way. Lately I seem to be slipping backwards inch at a time. And that's really really painful.

And what to do now? Say "yes" to the date? All of them? I kinda want to... And then I kinda don't want to, because I am still sadly waiting for something that I don't know if I even want to happen.

Sometimes I hate being an adult female in a normal grown up world.