WHITE LITTLE BOXES

(40)

2011-11-21T21:38:00.001Z

...
Today I count life's cornerstones. I have nearly all of them. Only the heart is missing!
A little slice of archaic paradise and then... something ecstasy like: a summer, a storm and some thunder and a lover.

(39)

2011-10-26T20:18:00.000+01:00

...

My desire flows like a river
a mass of continuity
it seeks its path
Naked I succumb to thirst
Allowed to be carried by the current
I flow weightless
dreaming of a desert

(38)

2011-10-24T18:48:00.003+01:00

...
I am losing my grip on things.
Bad habits are returning and the good ones are dissolving like an untwined yearn.
Everything that kept empowering me has now left me powerless.
I don't know why and I don't know how to get back in the clear blue daylight.

(37)

2011-10-20T17:13:00.003+01:00

...

I'm a fragile person who choses to be strong. Maybe it's denial and it will bite me in the arse eventually. That's OK.
But what kind of person are you?

(36)

2011-10-08T00:16:00.000+01:00

I'm off-track once more.
I'm waiting for you. I do not want to nor should I and yet I do.
Would you be angry if I'd ask you not to call? I broke the silence with gifts, I mended the bridge. But it's not ready for traffic just yet.
I've forgotten the heartache that came as a blessing and by simply doing so I've retracted to misery, or I'm nearly there.

(35)

2011-09-29T15:24:00.001+01:00

...
This is called an "Indian Summer". It's almost October, but there's summer out side.
I had a hot spring and a very cool summer. Is this the Universe giving me a little bit of heat for the season passed?
Still a little bit broken. Stubbornly holding a grudge. I miss the springtime challenge!
But my Indian Summer is refreshing! I' m sure it will bring a challenge of its own!

(34)

2011-09-21T10:22:00.000+01:00

...
Autumn is coming. Not a metaphor, the real one.
Can you feel it?
I'm OK.
But there still is alot I have to learn.

(33)

2011-09-14T16:56:00.000+01:00

...
I was right about something, and I was wrong about so many other things.
So December caught up with us.
I was looking in your eyes through the dimness of the settling night and the only thing left there was the sorrow of knowing I will never do it again! The terror of "never again" had vanished, though.
I cried and I cried and I cried...
There is nothing more left now.

finished

(32)

2011-09-08T14:46:00.001+01:00

...
Like someone bizarrely would hang a bunch of fish in the window to dry in afternoon sun, I've been hanged out to dry. Only because I can't unhook myself!
But yesterday was a turning point, I can feel it.
Yesterday and today it's all about the past tense. Tomorrow how ever... it will be all about the hooking, hanging and drying out.

(31)

2011-08-12T15:39:00.001+01:00

...
I'm moving into recess.
3 weeks. December sucks! Man, it sucks! It will be another four to five weeks. What will happen? If nothing after that, it will have to be the Italian!
Space hurts. It does!
Does it?

(30)

2011-07-11T18:34:00.000+01:00

...
I don't know what the truth sounds like... I can' t tell you.
I' m scared from the moment I'll realize it! I'm scared it will hurt...

(29)

2011-07-05T17:30:00.000+01:00

...
How did it happen? In the happiest moment, I turned unhappy. Was it really real? Or was the happiness real? Was I real?
You are away... I can't ask the questions myself without facing you. I really don't want this to be an unhappy affair... Just when everything had turned out so right. I'm scared. I'm really scared!

(28)

2011-07-02T16:40:00.001+01:00

...
I got scared again! You scared me...
I wonder if the parachute will save me? Or at least brake my fall? What if it just lets me crash and burn?
What, if things turn up side down, and I have to jump twice? What will happen if I have to jump twice?

(27)

2011-07-02T16:36:00.001+01:00

...
I lost my innocence to love a while ago! No regrets, just gratitude because it was so right.
But out of no where, June, you made me lose innocence I didn't know I even had. You opened my eyes! It was surprising, refreshing and simple. We, people who long to be loved, are so simple. When we find this simplicity, we fly...

(26)

2011-07-02T16:31:00.000+01:00

...
Your Winter seemed to be cooling my summer! So unfortunate, still... My heart goes out to you!
But only some rainy days became snowy. Yet most of June was sunny! I'll take that! I'll go for the sunshine. Always!

(25)

2011-07-02T16:28:00.000+01:00

...
I regret the silence in June. It was beautiful. I was beautiful! I should have noted it right away! I'm loosing out now...
The happiness lingers. In a way this is a summer like no other one!

(24)

2011-07-02T16:23:00.000+01:00

...
What do you do when You discover yourself? Suddenly a dormant part of you illuminates and becomes clear. There is a sense of adventure, love, lust, fear, boys and girls. I still fear for myself, I fear I might be leading someone else on. If it's just me, fine... but not you, not like that.

(23)

2011-07-02T16:19:00.000+01:00

...
I regret the silence in May.
But I was happy. Or I was on my way to happiness and contentment like never before. I feel it now!
I became as beautiful as May is. I guess so did you...

(22)

2011-04-30T16:41:00.000+01:00

...
I saw the unforgiving cruel December ones own personal winter bares.
I saw you standing in the midst of grass underneath the birds' paths facing the sea.
I took you down the path where only I go myself. I guess, even if insignificant, it still was a fundamental change.

(21)

2011-04-21T21:05:00.000+01:00

...
There is still a strong physical response, when suddenly you appear in the yogurt isle. Not necessarily a good one, but yet an exciting one.
Surprise, surprise and I get so nervous, i'm stuttering... even after all the months, after sunday, after sunday.
Summer is here, become the storm I'm waiting for.

(20)

2011-04-18T08:55:00.000+01:00

...
I can feel real life affection growing. It's endearing.

It will be time to confess soon.

To myself, not to anyone else, at first. To admit the truth, to succumb to it and... hope for the best.

(19)

2011-04-12T22:23:00.001+01:00

...
With Love...
Undecided!
Not just yet...

One has to finish letters off with a figure of speech.

So the lovely King sits next to Peonies.

But now I am intrigued even more then usual.

(18)

2011-04-08T10:30:00.000+01:00

...
It was up there, with the sunshine, when I was content, functioning and invincible. The only thing that should have brought me down was heartache... But it never came.
Instead I gradually came into the low and stopped. Again.
I guess it's time to start climbing up once more. After all - it is sunny!

(17)

2011-03-26T14:08:00.000Z

...
I still have a feeling there's more to me (at least I pray there is) .
I'd wish I could find the poet. I still doubt whether it's even in me altogether, but I want it.
Or the writer. Well I guess they are the same thing.

The chance of me utilizing this skill is still questionable and unknown.

(16)

2011-03-20T17:21:00.000Z

...
It feels like my inner dim sleet has stopped. Or is about to stop.
Feels nice, calm and peaceful even if it will leave a mess. I'm putting on wellies but then again, I have a feeling I might not need them. But you know what they say - better safe then sorry.

(15)

2011-03-13T18:32:00.000Z

...
I'll leave. I'll have no choice and I'll have to leave.
I don't want to nor will I later...

But at the end of the day, I did it to myself.

I was curious.

(14)

2011-03-06T05:00:00.001Z

...
I am tired of the lack of self-confidence in me, but I can't switch it off just like that. It's rooted too deep within...
Somewhere in between who I am, want to be, am becoming, hope to be, is the bare, clueless person. and suddenly I don't even know what music I like to listen to... I don't even have that anymore!

(13)

2011-03-05T20:22:00.000Z

...
I am a good person.
But as carefully a child looks at his parents when they perform simple tasks to learn them, I look at people around me to learn humanity and concern and simple caring. It's most odd.

(12)

2011-02-26T16:05:00.001Z

...
Patience is a virtue.
You can say I used to be very virtuous.
What do you call the opposite of being so? I guess I'm that now...

(11)

2011-02-20T19:34:00.000Z

...
I fool myself too easily and it takes only days till I loose the grasp of the real situation. I keep forgetting where it was coming form and what was the original course.
To an extent that's wishful thinking. But I'm way pass that. I've entered wishful foolishness.

(10)

2011-02-16T22:25:00.000Z

...
What you do when it's time to move on?
There is no reason to stay, nothing holds you down, and yet you look for something.
Which direction you go, when all of them are the option?

(9)

2011-02-15T00:55:00.000Z

...
Just like summer thunder I can feel it rattle the skies frequently. But still I never know if the storm will actually come.
Just like with a summer storm, I can't wait for it to start. It elevates the elements.

(8)

2011-02-13T05:00:00.000Z

...
Home For Troubled Mints.
I find this though really beautiful.
I have this little tin box filled with white sugar mints made out of 3 ingredients. The mints are comfortably wrapped up in a thin white paper with the text in a simple red print.
And every time I open the box, it just makes sense. There is a home for troubled mints.

(7)

2011-02-08T12:44:00.000Z

...
Dissociation is somewhat pleasant in it's strange ways.
What am I to do now, when I am bored of it? Reality still doesn't sound like a good option.

(6)

2011-02-06T20:22:00.000Z

...
What do you do when an actual experience becomes something fiction-like in your memory?
I get shy!

(5)

2011-01-19T08:48:00.000Z

... excitement nauseates me. Strangely enough it isn't even a metaphor for something. It's just a physical oddness.
I'm nauseous now. It's always a good sign in it's strangeness.
Something good is coming my way.

(4)

2010-05-19T23:07:00.001+01:00

... I painted my toenails gray.
More often then I'd like to admit when ever I go home my heart takes over my common sense and i drown in unfulfillment and a haunting feeling of something not finished creeps on. And there it is: there is nothing more beautiful then a handsome guy in a good suit.

(3)

2010-05-19T22:44:00.003+01:00

... more then often I wonder how much it would cost, or what it would cost for my moral compass to point wrong. In some sense I've been following it truthfully, but then again I stopped following it when I had to chose a side.... and I did it with no regrets quite some time back now. So maybe when the time comes, the "pointing-right" becomes just pointing.... pointing towards life.

(2)

2010-05-19T22:44:00.000+01:00

... there always is something to a shattered self.

(1)

2010-05-19T22:43:00.003+01:00

... Her father's garden has been a cradle of solace with it's dense bushes every time I pass it. She was working in the garden as I stopped and got on my toes to smell the light purple lilac. She came to me and gave me a fistful of branches that now are put next to my bed. I always want to be next to lilac. It mends my soul.

(0)

2010-05-19T22:43:00.000+01:00

... I have a feeling I am someone special.

Hello, my name is Nelda and I can't cook!

2010-01-12T19:13:00.002Z

Well it has been agreed before that I am not the best person to be cooking dinner for anyone but me because there is a poisoning possibility at the end of the meal... Especially if that is something I haven't made before!!

So today I made something called "sautējums" (have no idea how to translate it).

Just cabbage, potatoes, carrots, peas, single cream and some bay leaves, a table spoon of flour mixed with cold water and some round black peppers. Easy Peazy!

Cabbage first (makes the house smell like fart...) then carrots and then potatoes and peas (I put potatoes and carrots the other way around).

And then I got distracted like I usually do and all my "sautējums" burned in blue flames...

***

After I took out all the good "sautējums" into another saucepan and finished cooking it. A little un-salty, probably because I forgot to put some salt in it. Fried some bacon with it since I can't really lay my hands on any smoked pork ribs!

MMMMMM... not as good as my mommy's but she's got like 30 or more years experience in making it!

Any way - have been there and done that... like 3 times, so I know a bullet proof method how to revive my only pot form it's clinical death: boil some rhubarb in it!

What shall I cook for tomorrow?!

Bright and Sparkly

2010-01-01T14:58:00.003Z

Happy New Year!

The event in it's own right was a nice little thing! Old school mates, friends and neighbors...

I have to say I messed it up with some dodgy New Year congrats messages to one of my friends. Even now, when I have sobered up (and it took me a lot of time to get there) my new message didn't really make my friend send a thanks back. Oh well... what's done, is done.

The now-empty Rock Edition bottle in it's all leather and spike glory is put on a shelf as a token of the most amazing New Year so far.

I spent it in a party but sticking together with my friend. This is the 3rd one we have spent together.

And we both agreed to my random realization, that this is going to be our decade. Where we (fresh twenty year olds) will grow and blossom, work hard of our asses, find a place in the world for our selves, establish families and enjoy life or the most of it as we try not to turn thirty! We have loads to look forward to!

I feel optimistic. The enormous black cloud that was pissin rain on me for the past few months have kinda lighten up and I'm so excited.

Make your things to look forward this year list!

Mine is quite thrilling and scary but really amazing in the same time:

* Hard work to get my dissertation done and any other uni project (at least I have a vision now!)

* Graduating!

* Getting £3000 grant. Well I still have to apply but when I do, I sure hope they will give it to me since I still am a migrant worker...

* UNDERSTANDING WHAT IS GOIGNT TO BE MY NEXT MOVE!!!

This was the part I was getting at since the beginning. So scary, uni graduated and then what. I can study, I can work and can do ANYTHING! I am considering looking for a masters program in print-making someplace where post-grad studies are for free! How cool is that?! Maybe just have a responsibility free summer and live on my parents income again for a few months?!

Anyway... I am looking forward for all those things no matter what I chose to take as my future course!

Big hug in the New Year!!!

Letting the Old Year go!

2009-12-31T15:54:00.003Z

Preparing myself for celebration is to prepare myself for Christmas. I always forget about the New Years! For me it is more about surviving the first holiday.

This year I didn't really want to do anything. Till now I've always spent it at home, simply because I never got a party invitation. Well times have changed and the situation has improved. I have one invitation to go and have fun with my friend who lives almost next door. And just for the sake of not being home, I got one of my girlfriends (who till now had the same situation as I did) and we are going to celebrate together.

We need to bring some drinks of our own and some food since the guy can't feed 20 people and can't really supply all the alcohol to satisfy the New Year's thirst!

So this is what we got. Not that big of a concern about how it tastes... it's vodka, all taste the same (in real life I know it is not true, but tonight I ignore that)... but we two are getting pissed in style!!!!! I give you our New Years friend: Absolut - Rock Edition!

***

Before I have a family dinner, before I get ready for the party, I will find a corner where to write down all my wishes for next year. And I can tell you what it is going to be: I wish to simply find a place on Earth for me, understand myself and forgive myself, stop hating my being and everything I do.

I have had one Hell of a year. From a happy person I rapidly turned into someone who needs a bit of help to get by. But now when that is over, I have come out a little better. I still have a lot of work to do!

And just like my wishes I will write down my thanks to the all-mighty-and-kind universe. I have had some great things happen to me, great people loved me, great people helped me when I needed the most and great people are still there for me.

But mostly it is thanks for people I have had around: Mom, Milda, Radu, Giannis, Richard, Eva, Māris, Sandra, Kate, Elīna, Mārtiņš, Madara, Inese, Sam... you have been the kindest souls ever!

I believe that the new decade is going to be mine and it is going to be great!

And my New Years wish to you all is: Have a peaceful loving heart!

I'll see you in 2010!

FFS

2009-12-30T22:47:00.003Z

1. You type a damned e-mail, even if it's a: "I don't want to speak to you ever again, you awkward fool!"!

2. You stop breathing exhaust fumes and let me see you, and you make me feel bad when you make a scene that I haven't informed you that I'm home, I had landed a day ago! And I have chosen you! (sounds... dodgy, I know. Nothing bad intended!)

3. NO, I do not want to marry you, piss off!

4. Just slow down!

Said out loud

2009-12-29T22:11:00.000Z

Why do people keep blogs? Somehow I think it is to serve a grater purpose. Well, too bad for you, I don't have a grater purpose. It is just going to be my random thoughts this time.

I am an intraverse person. I don't communicate or open up so easily. Yeah, sure, I am friendly and everyone likes me, and I can chat with people about hockey and sports for a while, till they like me and about something more general like traveling... Seems I'm easy to talk with. It is not so entirely. I have to group myself and my will to be so. It is like I would prepare myself for a little role, something that is a lie but I can present it really convincingly.

There was this guy who wanted to ask me out, just for a coffee or a lunch on one of the days I'm in London. All the time we were friendly chatting about independent movies (it was the closing night of a film festival) and what I like in big commercial movies and why I am not ashamed of it and why he does not like them at all. And when we got to he coffee part it was something I hadn't rehearsed and I freaked out. Suddenly the crowd was closing in and I was stepping back, and every time I did so, he took a step forward and (as tragic as it wouldn't be, I do think this is funny) I couldn't find a polite way how to tell this lovely guy to STOP (for the love of God) getting too close to me! He noticed it when I took a step that made me almost fall over a chair. I apologized, somewhat made up a fobia of crowds (it partly is real, though) and we continued chatting about cakes, Harry Potter (don't know how that happened), and The Baltic Pearls film festival.

Today I understood that it is really hard for me to just have a conversation. If I stop pretending it is like a WOW brand new conversation! And I can't explain the difference and how and why and where I do it, but it is amazing. Sometimes people pull me out of my comfort zone and they don't let me sneak the conversation back in it. And suddenly then I can't follow it, I don't understand the (common) English words are used and I just slime and nod and am thinking how to leave the room.

It happens mostly with my manager at work. Well lately he just talk really really fast to confuse me and then makes me annoyed and then just makes fun of me. Since I don't even understand what he is talking about, I just leave the room.

Sometimes I can have an hour long conversation with someone and I wouldn't have understood a single thought they said. Now, if I take a step back and look at it, it feels really comic and idiotic!!!

Have we had a conversation about anything?

Home so far

2009-12-27T20:00:00.004Z

It's been almost a week since I managed to get out of England. God, I remember how much I wanted to come home, how, for ages, that was the only thing I could think about.

Well I am here now. I managed to survive the Heathrow mealtdown on Monday and was forced (and I let them to do so) to stay in Prague over the night and only on Tuesday I got home... without my luggage! They delivered it yesterday!

I have to say I haven't done anything yet.

Well I did go to my doctor! And she prescribed me anti

-depressants! Not sure if they are for me or for my vagina since they were prescribed my by gynecologist?! Dunno!

I had a very vivid dream. A very kinky one where I had the most sexy dress a

man can make. Well that I can think of and my mom can make!

I can't wait to have it! It might take a decade for me to get an occasion where to where it, it does not matter. It was form a black fabric. The Dress wrapped around my body as second skin, it felt like a pair of big strong hands would be holding me by the waist. And you know what? The weirdest thing is that you can make a dress give you that sensation. And that's why I love clothes. If you choose wisely it can fool your senses and give

you a feeling you miss a lot, or a little, it depends on your feelings....

Besides making my mom reconsider her wish to make some piece of clothing for her daughter form a 17 year old fashion magazine (and I have to say, they paid hell lot more attention to women's breasts and the construction of clothing around them at that time) I have been eating of course!

Potatoes, meat, roast, cabbage (makes me fart like rocket, sorry for my french), pastries, candy, clementines, vodka... well you know, every thing is like it should be when one goes home to a small European country.

What else have I done in these inspiring few days home?

I have alienated and probably pissed off a friend of mine... me and my big mouth. It's gonna get some in return tomorrow, I am going to dentist.

I have held a two week old baby (I never touched new borns, they freaked me out, not only they are the best contraception on earth, I was afraid that I might... well... brake it somehow by holding it wrong or what not!)

All in all I still feel like this!

And I didn't win that damn phone! Does any one has a spare Nokia N97Mini?

Question

2009-12-19T17:06:00.002Z

I came to study photography to be away form Fine Art and brushes and paints and and and and, but still be an artist... And now I am moving away form photography back into Fine Art! HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!

About lying

2009-12-19T14:34:00.003Z

One thing I can tell you all: depression (narcissistic or any other kind) isn't a nice place where to be. And what makes it even less enjoyable is the fact, that I might have been in that shit place for much longer time then me myself or any of the people that surrounds me can estimate.

You know there is a saying that if you keep lying long enough you yourself are going to believe it. This is exactly my case. I lie to myself so well... or I have been lying to myself for so long that I have fooled myself in believing that I was fine, that I wasn't angry, that I possibly wasn't depressed and that it most definitely isn't real.

This summer I was left totally alone. I spent my summer in England working and doing nothing but that. I felt like I was punished! And there was no one around.. no one to whom I could lie about how I am. I didn't have to be fine, I didn't have to be happy because there was no one who would see me. And suddenly all the truths came crushing down. And maybe it was good that I was left even more alone when autumn came. I could stop lying to myself and to everyone else. Though I still say to everyone that I am fine, that I am ok, that everything is ok... because I am ok, technically. Some times I think that only person who actually accepts that I hate myself, that I hate so many things, that I feel so miserable is my therapist. When I am with some one else I feel like nothing that happens with me is real, that I am only imagining it! That the pathetic amount of work I made was just laziness, that the enormous self aggression was just because I had too much time on my hands. But it all is there and it all is real. And I had stopped functioning for a while there: I had stopped eating, taking care of myself, being kind to myself, not sleeping, lying in my bed with a blank mind for hours at a time. But no one knew that...

You saw me during the summer and I seemed fine? I was smiling and engaging in a normal conversation? I was on time for work? Yes indeed I was. Work was the only thing that actually made me leave the house looking like a human. Because if I hadn't done that people would have noticed that something isn't fine, that I am not fine. I couldn't let that happen, so all summer long I was lying: colleagues, loved ones, friends and in the end... myself.

I bet it's something no one believes. This always smiling person? Really?

See how well I lie? See how sincere my smile always is? You'll never know when I am angry and probably I'll never know as well!

Lets talk SNOW!!!!!

2009-12-18T18:26:00.002Z

So I am looking forward to going home: looking forward for white Christmas with loads of family and friends, good food, snowboarding, photo adventures, new mom/tailor made beautiful clothes and everything else I could get form going home.

YES, I want to see some snow. Yes, I am capable of handling snow! Yes, I have clothes and boots to keep me worm in -20C... BUT even my snow and cold capacity has boundaries and this is just a little too much. But I still am beyond excited!!!!

The news man with a boring voice informed Latvians to make sure they have wood supplies for heat, food supplies for a day or two, some candles in a well known easy to find place... why?

Because there is a lazy, slow moving, very active cyclone just over the coast line and guess what... it snowed like doomsday is here... and that is just the beginning!!!! :D

Pictures form Lativa taken today (not by me though...)

Financial suffering for your art

2009-12-15T17:53:00.005Z

A dear friend of mine always is broke.

He is suffering for his art! Always buying films, papers, emulsions, lenses, cameras, software, hardware.... always broke.

And I have always understood how the math happens (and more important WHY), how when you have money, you have to spend it on something worth while and why it all makes perfect sense!

Since I never have created much art work of my own, I understood only the somewhat technical side of it: one day you need a roll or a box of film, you then get money, you buy it, no money. Crystal clear!

I have started to create my own work now. There is a very pressing need for STUFF: portfolio's and sleeves, film leader retrievers, more then 15 rolls of different type and ISO films for the holidaysand and other things for just my own enjoyment (and I am saving money for copper plates so I can try photo etchings, large photo paper, more common sense and self confidence, and just maybe my own 100 whole per centimeter silk screen...) But all those small things i did buy already have completely emptied my bank account. And there is no regret. And like he (though his purchases are way more heavy weight) there is no second thoughts. Sure, painful (financially) if it turns out a waste or a mistake or a failure, but nothing else could stand in the way. If needed everything else is cut of to extremely low budget: friends, relationships, alcohol, our own food, hobbies, clothes, traveling, nights out... Only family still might have some or the only weight in re-considering.

And now "suffering for your art" isn't really suffering- it simply is a necessity that puts other things more in the background... Because that is who he is, who I am, who most of my friends are - artists! The worst and most brilliant profession the universe has created!

P.S. I am glad to say that my own First set of prints are done. They are brilliant. An A/P signed and framed print is on wall in the print rooms in Uni and a signed 1/1 print on a lovely Sumrerset paper is put in the new portfolio I mentioned earlier! Life is looking more colourful today...

My References

2009-12-11T21:29:00.007Z

I haven' t produced work in ages!

It feels terrible. No ideas, no progress, no creativity... just a terrified blank mind!

Well it can' t go on like that for ever, now can it?

So to get this boat rowing I started with ... a collage.

(SORRY for the sad quality)

SO arranging and rearranging this into 11 different stencils and having an on going discussion about layers and more colours and a bright red (Richard was right, I don' t understand how and why but he simply was...) I got an almost ready image in a very bad quality to show you here!

I sure hope that this is the beginning of a slow movement to better things!

NOT moving on fucking sucks!!!

2009-12-05T20:15:00.004Z

The previous post says what happened. This one is an update: nothing has changed.

I feel like I have changed, but not the right way. Lately I seem to be slipping backwards inch at a time. And that's really really painful.

And what to do now? Say "yes" to the date? All of them? I kinda want to... And then I kinda don't want to, because I am still sadly waiting for something that I don't know if I even want to happen.

Sometimes I hate being an adult female in a normal grown up world.

All the damned goodbyes

2009-10-12T09:20:00.002+01:00

Why can't life be easy? Just earlier today we were talking about it in Uni?

It's because we are afraid of on going, long lasting happiness. We like to think we want a "happy-go-lucky" thing going on, but we don't.

It does not seem to hurt so bad anymore. It's still there, though... but, if I have a talent, then it is hiding actual hurt somewhere deep, deep away? Doing that right now!

Since I have been freed against my own wishes and I have cut off all "follow me (him)" options, think I should spend this time wisely and become even a better person. And so it might just be what I am doing form now onwards.

But damn, it does tear you apart, doesn't it? When does it stop bleeding?

1.09.09

2009-09-01T09:11:00.002+01:00

"Happy celebration!"
"Pfff, yeah, right! But happy celebration to you too!"

What celebration?! 1st of September.
Here, where I am now, it is something like a celebration. With shitloads of beautiful autumn flowers that one can get in it's fron or back, by that matter, garden or just a flower bed!
People saying goodbye to summer all together. Here it is like the New Year. I will do this and that this year: eat less junk food, be more social, drink more on Fridays, go to all my lessons (NOT), ah yeah - study better. At least pass all my subjects.

I am detached from this ritual for 2 years now. I wish. My mom is a teacher. I admire her. I couldn't live through the 1st September OVER and OVER and OVER again! (for her it is 25 1st Septembers!)
But somehow it is important here. Childeren do wait for it when the last week of August is all pouring cats and dogs and there is mud everywhere and it is cold.

It starts with "Have a successful new academic year! Teacher Mara, or Inta, or Kat, or Janis" written on the black board with colorful chalk! (I had to write my mom's message, and i drew few flowers too! one pink, one red, blue and a yellow one! that's the way aha aha I like it, aha aha!)
Then the teacher comes in with news about new students, teachers, curriculum changes and all the other bad news. Then there is an educative boring and embarrasing story about someone or something or some lesson that we have to learn this year. And other stuff like that!

Then we all go outside. We all together sing the national anthem and the head misstress says something! The new classes have their march (usually it is the 1st grade and the last one in highschool-12th.) and we are supposed to feel lifted and guess what: we do!!!

And this is part of why we are smarter then most of the Europe. Why we can! (well the question if we are doing anything is a different one! :D)

So - happy 1st September my peeps!

P.S. sorry for the grammer mistakes. this computer dosn't correct them!

F*** this! All of this!

2009-07-17T01:13:00.002+01:00

It started on ... Wednesday, I think. It was a terrible sunny day! Weelll the day was sunny, and the afternoon in this lovely day turned into something messed up, women solidarity and mid day drinking in public! Martini tasted great!

Would it be too bad that I wish for it to happen again: the sunny day, your company, all that Martini!!!!!!!! (lets leave out the crying part! your sadness, but I have to tell you - somehow I don't regret it! Dancers (?) are great!)

And this year what?! What do I have, what have I had all this year?!

I am as for from personal development as a homeless person from a house made out of four brick walls and a roof!

And the work thing is that now I am not even trying to change myself. I tried - I didn't have the means and the muscle! What can I say? "I'm a pussy, I admit it!" ... and I miss sex, but I am not sure this really is the case here! And I miss therapy! Now I am in that point where I can't really cope with myself and things are spinning out of hand!! IMAGINATION IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE! And I am wasting it! FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!!!

old shop

2009-06-02T19:36:00.004+01:00

Daram šito tā vienkārši, jet back to basic

2009-04-06T12:20:00.003+01:00

Patinu bildi atpakaļ.
Laikam tāds riktīgs sākums bija "England's got a new queen" draugiem.lv dienasgrāmatā. Pārlasīju, un riktīgi cērams gabals. Nekas īpašs, no vienas puses, bet pilns ar mazām patiesībām un novērojumiem.
Tagad es nevaru saprast, ko es rakstu un vai vispār rakstu, mūžīga gaušanās un beigās uzraksītais lasās kā lēta novele.
Liekas darīšu to pa vienkāršo. Ar atvērtām acīm raudzīšos kas notiek un to ta te atkal iemetīšu. Cerams, ka regulāri.

Iespējams, ka tas ir vecais, labais Bacardi breezer, kas tagad te tā mētājās ar daiļrunīgiem tekstiem.
Vai tas ir ļoti slikti, ka svētdienas picu es noskaloju ar Bacardi Breezer viena pati, savā nodabā?!
Kāda nu vairs starpība, kas izdarīts, izdarīts.

Ja man jāsāk uz pasauli atkal skatīties ar svaigu skatu, tad to visvieglāk ir izdarīt darbā.
Visi tie kadri, kas izslīd cauri manam skatlogam ir ievērojami, varbūt kādu dienu vienkārši būtu jāaiziet un jāsabildē visi tie purni, bet viņi te pārāk raizējas par to, kur uzradīsies viņu sejas, kas notiks ar bildi un beigu beigās, pēdējais, bet ne mazsvarīgais - kā viņi izskatīsies.
Kā, kā viņi izskatīsies?! Kā bezstila ikonas - tādi arī izskatīsies:
meitenes ar olīvkrāsas zeķēm, kuras sabāztas krūšturī, lai neizskatās, ka tās būtu aizmirstas mājās... lai neizskatās, ka krūtis būtu atstātas mājās.
skaistākie puiši, kuri vakara noslēguma meklējumos sameklē skaistākās meitenes bārā.
Tas bija tiešām interesants vakars. ne vienu reizi vien kolēģi man jautāja, kādēļ es pie sevis tā ķiķinu.
Liekas, ka pilnīgi liktenis un tā reliģija kliedz uz tevi: viss ir vienkārši, viss ir paredzami, saprotami un ... brīžiem tas vnk aiztek pa rensteli! bet skaistais meklē skaisto
Viņi, abi tik skaisti, ka visi uz viņiem skatās ar skaudību. Zēni siekalojas, skatoties uz šo eleganto rudmani, bet meitenes kļūst miklas dedzinot ar savu skatu puiša pakausi, glītās rokas, skaistās tumšās acis un atlētisko dibenu... un tad viņi, protams, satiekas. Abi skaisti, abi brīvi un mazliet iedzēruši.
Atceros savu pirmo skūpstu. Bij galīgi mīlīgs. Lika tauriņiem trakot! Un lai cik pievilcīgs tas džeks bija ceturdienas vakarā, piektdienas rītā viņš nebija ne par matu īpašāks, varbūt pat mazliet peļamāks kā piektdienas vakarā. Un izrādījās pirmie 3 skūpsti bija tādi, ka elpa aizsitas ciet. Pārējie tikai noārdīja viņa pievilcību. Nebija pat dzēruma, ko vainot.
Tad vēlāk manu dzīves taku krustoja kāds zinātnisks raksts par to, kādēļ skūpstīšanās ir kā attiecību indikārots.
Dienas beigās mēs vien esam ļoti attīstīti dzīvnieki. Un lai gan parasti jau mēs kkā pieslēdzam prātu visam šim trakumam, tomēr vienā brīdī mūsu deguns tiecas sameklēt to smaržu, kas mūsu smadzenēs pretējam dzimumam dos zaļo gaismu. Mēs skūpstamies, jo tad mēs esam vistuvāk viņiem (ir vēl viens vistuvāk, bet tas jau būtu pārāk tuvu pirmajam pusrandiņam...) un mēs vienkārši viņu sasmaržojam. un ja tā smarža nestrādā, tad kā manā variantā - mums zūd interese...

Un tā viņi bija skaisti, labi apģērbti un kā radīti viens otram. Meitenes savā starpā ķiķināja, kad rudmate atgriezās savā kompānijā pārrunāt to, cik mīlīgi viņš izskatās.
Puiši atzinīgi māja ar galvu savam džekam, jo vakara noslēgumam ir sameklēta tāda, kuras klasiskā skaistules seja staro no katra skatiena, kurš viņu pavada caur deju grīdu... bet tādu ir daudz.
Un tad viņi skūpstās, atspiedušies pret bāru... Mazliet uzmanīgi, vai pēkšņi kāda pļauka nelidos mistiskos virzienos, mazliet kautrīgi, kas zin, cik pazīstams šis cilvēks, bet tā skaisti.
Un tad vēl vienu reizi, mazliet ilgāk un ar lielāku smaidu
Un tad meitene ieliecas, lai vēl vienu reizi noskūpstītu savu vakara simpātiju, bet viņš pieļauj lielāko šī vakara kļūdu... viņš pavekl galvu atpakaļ.
No tā brīža vakars iet uz leju un viņi abi saprot, ka tomēr laikam nebūs! Tik vienkārši. Trīs skūpsti un īstenībā mēs jau gandrīz varam pateikt, ka tomēr bioloģija nenostrādāja.
Bet gan jau piektienas vakars tika pavadīts patīkami, jo aizdevās viņi kopā.

Un tad vēl bija tie trīs indieši, kuri gribēja, lai es viņus rekomendēju darbam. Nevins saprātīgs darba devējs neņems viņus darbam publiskā vietā, jo viņi ellē ratā taču nevar skaidri parunāt! Un viņu stulbums mani tiešām paņēma nesagatavotu! UN viņi tiešām nezināja, ka, ja man pasaka: "salej man stiprāko dzērienu, kas jums te ir, jo šitas tāds pavājs!", es viņiem saliešu absintu un pēc tam smīnēšu ar rozā mefistofeļa smaidu! Ha, gribu redzētu tavu pohiņu rīt, jo īpaši tādēļ, ka man liekas, ka tā tev būs pirmā! bet vienmēr vis notiek pirmo reizi!

result for The Brutally Honest Personality Test ...

2009-03-18T19:47:00.001Z

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-brutally-honest-personality-test

Ahh... the sweet serenity. The utter perfection of all creation. The wondrous beauty of nature. The sweet sparrow singing along in the great orchestra we all call lief... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? You're the type of person people always love to mock because they don't believe there is anyone ACTUALLY like you.

Do realise that you ostracise people with your behavior or is it all subconscious? You're so quit and reserved, it's almost impossible to get to know you well, and when someone finally does, all you want to talk about is grace and beauty and harmony!

Ugh. Sure, you "genuinely care for others" and all that rubbish, but when it boils right down to the basics you take life far too seriously.

Throughout the entire test, I bet you were searching for "further clarification and hidden meaning" so that you might improve your pitiful life. And woe and behold if it betrayed your intense values system!

You need to STOP smelling the daisies. Believe or not, logic does have a place in this world... imbecile.

Is it me, or does this actually sound like a quote form my boyfriend, who would say all this just because he would be concerned about my sanity as much as I would be?! Most likely it sounds like him, because sometimes he is the voice of reason in my head!!

not a conversation with him.

("Get a life you moron")

("I will!")

("When?!")

("I'm slowly getting there!")

("Why slowly, are we waiting for something?! Anyone?! ANYTHING?!")

("Stop being a bitch, it's hard as it is!")

("What's so hard, you are not even living!!")

("I am ashamed of my flaws and as an alcoholic's shame for not being able to stop drinking makes him drink again to forget his addiction, I am ashamed of what I can't do and what I am not sure about and that puts me even more off trying to brake the damned circle of doing nothing and being nothing!!")

("?!...")

2009-03-16T02:20:00.001Z

Now I feel like stretching the hours.

Goodbyes seem to get harder, but hellos more pleasant

For crying out loud!!!!!

2009-03-11T21:54:00.002Z

I seem to have a dilemma on my mind now. NOT really sure how to get around it so I would feel good about myself.

I mentioned I have finished reading a series of books and I have seen all the movies I want to. And I have no desire for any more, but now I have nothing to do. I feel like I would have a hole in my self-consciousness and it is fucking me into nothingness and I really don't like that!!!

There seems to be people that are not bothered about any of that, but suppose they don't expect a grand piano in their lounge later in life just because they can afford one, while I kiiiiiiiinda really would like one.

So it is all bout expectations you have for yourself, isn't it? I think I only have dreams, no plan what so ever how am I gonna make them happen and sometimes I am not sure even if I have a dream, besides the fact that it will be so cool that I will have enough resources for a large enough space for a grand piano and for a grand piano itself.

Stephenie Meyer wrote her Twilight saga when she was bored from nursing her 3 kids at home. She just wrote down a rather long dream of hers and look where it got her... Hollywood, best selling author, a couple of millions in her bank account! Suppose this is like the best illustration that it is not that hard to dream and actually do something useful (for our bank account) without going out doors....

I might still like to go out doors though, but one thing that is on the agenda for my life in the nearest future is to figure out what I want to do with it and where to get motivation for it.

State of bliss I get from lifting the screen and getting a perfect print, but the thingy here is that the screens in my creative space are extremely empty. That is the part that worries me. The blank screens of my mind and the confusing blindness I have felt into. Used to be able to write about feeling sexy in an elevator, where did that skill of mine go?! The vacation it took is rather too long!

AND this is the third or more post where I am just bitching about poor me and shit, so this has to stop first, so no more dwelling on me weeping!

("Post-it for your self, you moron")

("I will, I will! Don't be so pushy!")

!@£$%^&()(&^%$£@£$%^&()(&^%$£@£$%^&*(

2009-03-11T18:50:00.003Z

Most adored arrogance, thanks Brano. Love this one!

It was about "taking a bullet" last... no last shit, just a day ago!

It was a necessary kick in the ass to makes us better! Better organized, better prepared, better artists and people all together.

WE decided that the show is gonna kick ass BIG time.

Well as it is with me, my quick ideas some times are really brilliant, but just because they come in the last moment, or quite late, some times (most times) they fall through without manifesting in reality... and that hurts every single time, wounds my ego massively. I've got to recover my ego as if it would have been down with pneumonia for months. That is very time consuming.

See - I don't handle rejection very well! That I noticed just today.

Being a smart (and arrogant, but not pushy about it), shy, charming, beautiful girl with an inconspicuous, but inviting cleavage that most definitely is a pearl in my decolte, usually provides me with what I want.

And just a few moments ago an e-mail that in one point said "bad news" ruined my whole day, though it wasn't THAT brilliant to begin with!

But this year I have a friend here. Someone that I can rely on, since my man is a little bit further away for me to use his shirt as a napkin for my salty tears in this point in time (well I am exaggerating in every way, but the feeling that I have him (meaning the last person) altogether makes me feel better.)

As my optimism about Kicking ass was flushed down the drain... an 11 minute talk to this exotic person, who wasn't feeling that brilliant himself, got me back on my feet. Maybe because we are in this shit together and we will crawl our way up on a steep wall if we need it to get this show as brilliant as we can. Another week down on the deadlines, that is terrifying, but suppose less time to come up with something will actually force me to be in motion, not only body, but those brain cells as well.

tune in on Giulia y los Tellarini "Barcelona" and something else optimistic and hyper, even better if you don't have any idea what that is about, so you could project your own translation to fool yourself further on!!!!

Snapping out of it!

2009-03-10T20:35:00.003Z

Have you ever been shot at?! Sorry if you have, sorry about that, lots of pain I presume!

Well today I kinda understood in action what the metaphor meant. Well I suppose it wasn't that bad, if not for the constant burning in the area of my cheeks while I was standing in the front of my course.

I was just wondering what on Earth have I've been doing for the past few weeks (month to be honest, but let's not go there).

I have drowned myself in books. Nothing that would have raised my IQ or anything else besides my absolute desire for cheap teen fiction romance.

Four and a half think books in a week. Non stop reading, page after page.

I lived from them. Not sure I ate or slept for that week.

It took me some days to mend myself. I started to eat again and sleep. But I can't say I feel fresh. But I am getting better, recovering... To be the right way to say that.

After the last page was turned and there was an interesting hole in my consciousness I thought that I need fill it up and do something to keep it filled so I wouldn't repeat my running away and drowning sorrows in books like that. I was thinking how to put in words what I would like to do with my life. I found an explanation that sounds pretty convincing in my head, but even said out loud to myself it kinda looses it's sense!!

The closest I could get was that I would like to be something like bridge between various things in an industry that is so high up in my understanding that I have zero ideas how to get even remotely close. I would like to be a bridge and I stick to that.

When I make it I'm gonna post a picture for you here.

Till then... I am screenprinting Chuck from Gossip Girl onto a wall paper for my biggest project this year and for the exhibit in May!

All of you are very welcomed!

Rosy London

2009-02-13T17:01:00.001Z

I found myself in London for a bit. And for that bit London was drowning in roses... white, red, non-rose colours...

Some kind of retrospective

2009-02-10T20:10:00.004Z

For the past hour the same song keeps repeating itself on my iTunes. Quiet, gentle, like a touch of a cool arm, that slowly glides over my waist, as if I would be the keys of a grand piano, it makes my breath be the magical, genius sound that comes, overwhelms and fills the room through the open deep black wooden cover of its.

I close my eyes and I can feel my body sink into the matt. For a moment there is just the weight of my chest, moving slower and slower. I am losing it more and more, can feel my wight drowning me, pulling me deeper into the solid cold floor, into nothingness.

After all that dullness of days, years you need the feeling that your hart can feel, that it is alive and beating. From the high sound your ears go numb, but then you can enjoy the base, feeling sound waves with your heart, feeling it tremble, feeling it almost hurt from the power that goes through you, but your overwhelmed, feels if every stronger sound wave as an invisible force throws you back.

I could see my self lay back as if I would be watching myself from the side. I closed my eyes before my head was rested on the ground. I stayed as still as the source of music next to me.

For just a brief moment I could embrace oddly complete stillness. Let all the thoughts go, let all the creases fade on my face and let my mind and consciousness glide away.

And in that moment I could feel it. Music materializing in my veins almost as sound levels. I could feel single notes and then accords, lighter ones barely, stronger ones becoming more like electricity. All floating to my hart. Then I could feel the music, feel it with my heart, feel the magic take over and ease me into tranquil sleep.

Sniegs apeda mani!

2009-01-13T21:30:00.004Z

Over the Christmas holiday, snow eat me!

St.Olga

2009-01-13T20:43:00.006Z

One morning I decided it is time to gather all my will power and go to take pictures of my grandmother. They turned out to be a big disappointment, but even so these three passed my "NOT LIKE THESE IMAGES :("

So here they are.

Never ending, never changing rules about love. (or maybe they change, but I just haven’t got there yet?!)

2009-01-04T13:34:00.002Z

I couldn’t accept the fact that my nan suddenly had a “boyfriend” one day. That was some time ago, I barely was a teen, and now the poor fellow is dead for quite a while and my grandmother, who was a divorced lady for almost 40years before him, is lone again.
My other grandmother lost her husband 30years ago and her other man 15long years ago. So I have used to think that it is Ok, to be alone in that age, simply because men die when it comes closer to the terms “old”, “grandfather”, and others with similar meaning.
And now the story is about my friend’s grandmother. She just might be as old as my grandmother or in the same age decade at least. The decade of eighty...
It seems to be a tendency- first husband is divorced or dead-, and after all those wounds have healed (and after some grandchildren have been raised) they meet their first loves or fall in love again.
He was introduced as Valdis, aunt Venera’s friend. Never the term “boyfriend” or any other kind of term is used by herself to describe why this old polite man actually is here, dining with us in a family-like-summer-evening-dinner.
The garden looked great: beautiful lilies blooming in most carefully made flowerbeds, cherry trees with little fruits, dark red and filled with a kind of sour passion for summer, strawberries more than the inhabitants of the old house possibly could eat. And there, in front of the LIEVENIS on two old CELMI they sat next to each other.
They belong together, they are together. It is beautiful and sad in the same time. So sweet and sentimental, that it is hard for me to understand it and describe it “back on white”.
They were sitting next to each other, looking bewildered, looking shy and confused like kids who like each other but are in the age when the other sex is “stupid-and I don’t like that boy/girl”. But they are not children, they are grownups and they have passed that threshold as well. They know how it is to taste the sweet fruit of passion, affection, other’s body and love, how nice it is to have someone and how refreshing it is not to be alone after more then ten years of being alone, not even having the slightest feeling for anyone else.
But they are not even holding hands! She is like a girl from a nunnery school who hasn’t seen a boy yet in her life, but feels the power of affection. He is like the biggest gentleman who is respecting this girl’s shyness and incompetence but is willing to wait till the girl is ready to be touched emotionally and maybe physically as well. But that moment might never come and he would still wait till the end of time.
Is there an age when physical contact dies or has to die and love has to be just closeness with a few centimeter distance in it?!
And after I saw the most charming couple my hart just dropped imagining that they will never touch, that they might not even need to, since they might not even have thought that far that they are free adults that can and, I think should, touch. Just to make it real, just to feel the other person and to humanize it, to make sure that the feeling of his skin and presence is real.
And tonight they were sitting next to me. Months later (or even years later), he still comes and visits her few moments a week and then takes the bus home again, never staying over and maybe never kissing his sweetheart goodnight.
But tonight it was a different kind of story.
I think I am like part of their hart. The emotions goes through me and I know how they feel, I see them beautiful and they make me happy as much as it makes them happy. I am a shy girl who will be silent as soon as there will be someone more attractive and active.
And poor Venera is like I am: so correct, so peaceful, so perfect little miss sunshine, giving way as soon as a more powerful character comes in the room.
And in Venera’s range of people that was my grandmother. She is a actress, always have been and will be, she is almost as loose in her language and pasting herself as I am trying to be polite to her. She knows that man. He is a very, very distant relative of hers, so it made her even braver and more outspoken than ever.
Realizing that the attention that is most seeked in the evening poor Venera turned quiet and I think I recognized a sad look on her face. But there is no prove that what I saw was incorrect, was false.
“Well I think, in the end of the day, she wins being like that. It is important to win the war, not the battle.”
“I so understand your point”. But after a moment our little conversation with my friend loses its positive note. “But if it is a battle that you would have to win every day?!”
“Then she would give up the war itself!”
Maybe she didn’t feel half the things I felt for her, maybe it is just that the rules have changed within her and I, being so young and so in love right now, can’t accept some other woman taking all the attention from me or from her in this case.
I have given way for more out speaking girls around me, I have wished to throw a bottle of wine at someone who can’t shut her perfect little mouth that keeps bubbling towards “my guy”.
But my grandmother was taken home soon after I threw an imaginary wine bottle at her for these evenings’ sins and they could catch up with their conversation later on, sitting somewhere in the house in peace and quiet. And they still can be my object of confusion and admiration about the urge of touch, my joy for love in its most polite form.

Last day of work!

2008-12-21T05:34:00.000Z

I can't remember when last the bar was so filled. Nope! I can - the first day I was working and it was only for 3 hours as well... ok, the bar has never been so full, since all my memories of that first working friday are a liiiittle bit exaggerated!

Hell the people today! The speed of work and as my friend promised - hate for people. Since I had never worked anywhere and that brings with it not working with people either, but she was so right. You eventually start to look at them as just things and you simply start to hate them. For several different things: for being so drunk that you can't remember if you (being a guy) took a piss in the girls toilets, if you said:"Four!", but meant only "ONE" double Jack Daniels and Coke, OR if you have enough money to afford one single drink! But hey, let's have a toast for jobs that pay the rent... right, my dad is still paying the rent, but I get hundred and something pounds a month and that means soon (or) eventually I'll be able to do it myself!

"Give me TWENTY (said extremely proudly with chest out front and back so straight that the spine probably thought it's about to be launched in space) Jack Daniels and Coke!"

Sure, just give me time to curse you, wash your 20 glasses (WELL the bar was so full, we ran out of glasses way too quickly for an institution that serves drinks) and cry, just because I really would like to! Worth mentioning that he spent all night alone by the bar, drinking his 20 JD and Coke... finishing the final three when the security gently pushed all the drunks out of Exchange for staff to clean it and close it for tonight!

"Can I have double Vodka and RedBull?!" Sure, but don't ask me why I serve you Vodka/RedBull in a massive plastic vine glass! (?) Well, because one Fucker just some seconds ago got his 20 JD and Coke in the last clean galsses, happy now?! NO, You can't have those...those are glass glasses, on Fridays and Saturdays we serve you drinks in plastic glasses for your own safety, so when you will get pissed from your Vodka/RedBulls, you wouldn't kill your best friend (or me) if you suddenly throw it in an anger rage! It's gonna be a plastic vine glass - take it or leave it!

Just look at that crowd! All races, all ages (well..as much as you can get from 18 and up!), every bad taste of fashion AND men possible! Oh, YES! It feels if a girl is transparent. She is the one in the middle of the dance floor. I served her at least 3 drinks and who knows how many the girls next to me. She is the one who is alone or lonely today (depends on her) and the drinks are those who make her move in a way that suggest just one thing-take me home, undress me and you know what to do, how to do it and where to put it!... Oh, excuse me you two, could you move a little away from the bar, please. Your HOT LOVE here and now is a little bit spilling the drinks all over other costumers and ME, for fuck-sake!

I hate to know the best things last! I really do! I missed the info that there is a 20£ printing press opened somewhere near?! Oh, it's not a printing press, you are a drug dealer?! Oh, Ok!

Now... took me some time to figure out how come all the muslim guys with the D&G (Dorogoja ("precious") & Glupa(stupid)) t-shirts take stocks of 20£ bills out of the Armani jeans! But they still are greedy bastards - it's doesn't matter that they have SO much spare money that they should loose as quick as possible, they still don't leave any tips! HEY, what is wrong with you?? Greed will kill you!!!!! Or me, not sure yet!

"Give me a kiss!" No! "Give me a kiss!!" No! "Give me a kiss!!!" No! If you don't want anything besides something that is not on the menu today, I will go and serve someone who wants a Vodka, at least! "Ok, let me buy you a drink" No! "You have to give me a reason why not!" I am working! AND Nelda is leaving...

I've worked more hours over the 2 days then ever before and I am not the new one anymore. Now I am the one writing down how many bottles of we need in the fridges and I am the one explaining that you have to take all the plastic bottles out and replace them with the glass ones for the weekdays.

Six fridges one after the other lost the bright light that illuminated the poisonous drinks in all rainbow colours, 12 glass doors were cleaned from both sides just few seconds before the light were switched off. Good night! Many out loud said Merry Christmas and a happy New Year! See you next year! and I was on cool street walking home! It's 5am. 5.20 and I'll unlock the flat door. Six something and only then I will go to bed, after lines and lines of txt will have been written just so I wouldn't forget the things I wanted to say.

Good night, people. Good morning, people. Tomorrow around thins time I'll be... Shit. Still in this country, but somewhere in Heathrow, which means a step closer to home!

Kingdom

2008-12-04T18:11:00.000Z

The Beatles died (well most of them) and the British youth and it's glory died with them. That is the only explanation I can find... if I am wrong then I have to say that the youngsters of British nation has no other excuse for becoming such and idiotic bunch of people!

You are a mad nation by default, how did you kill the essence of yourself???? But look at you now, look at majority of the young people around us. Hey, I could make a better british sprout then, then.... let's not go there. Sloppy, lazy, dumb ass "beauty queens" that just want to spend as less money on as much as crappy quality stuff possible, gents that have lost all they gentle manners in day time and sluty, seductive smiles cast for night, drugs, alcohol, local pub and older woman!

Love for individuality, good music and arts and high quality has died, vanished and I can't get over it.

In my Uni there is one and a half girls (British, i mean) who would reach up to my expectations of young ladies in England with the encouraging financial state and over all opportunities in general, creativity and the royal family as an icon next to their country name.

I remember when I felt in love with the idea of England (besides Pride and Prejudice). It was when 8 years ago I read an article that in England on the day when the new U2 album is going to be released more students think it is more essential to queue by the record shops then attend school!!!!! Now that is british... that was 8 years ago, if the people were around 18, that mens they would be around 26 now?! I think they are the last generation of youngsters Britain can be really proud.

Now if I laugh in a funny part in the cinema I am shushed by my friends (say you have to be silent in the cinema), if I am singing to myself while walking to Uni people look at me if I would be insulting them and/or I am a nutter, if I am still in my dressing gown around 4 after a night working in the bar, I am lazy, if I am in my underwear I am too naked (hello, the queen that said even a naked ankle is a sin died AGES ago!!!!!! (if she was english, history facts are not my strong side) and they cover their eyes, when some years ago, I have a feeling, people would go more like: almost naked you+dressed me+someone else in the flat dressed or not=SEX ORGY! Expensive high quality shoes are a waste of money, so are good clothes- you invented Oxfords (high quality leather shoes), and so many more expensive high quality stuff that says: established in London, Made in London?!

Well there are some rare specimens, little groups of people based in good Art Universities, somewhere in London and other big towns. The one social group of people I hoped to find myself around in England were these people. Have to admit I am quite far from any of them but I have seen some and I know they exist and that is enough for now. Remember The Hat Party... That was the place and some of them - those were the people: Singing, Dancing, Drinking, Smoking, Yelling and having good time!

People- start listening to The Bealtes again to get yourselves back... "Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun. If the sun don't come, you gat a tan from standing in the English rain" and don't forget "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"!

Just tune in, turn off, drop out, drop in, switch off, switch on and explode

Mother Nature kicking in ... and out!

2008-12-02T22:36:00.000Z

Some one is having fun. This phenomena called Mother Nature has had a winer make-up class!

So tonight the cool and fresh tones and shades are pearl white dazzling-sparkling-shimmery-glittery frost for the car bodies, clear glossy ice for puddles, screaming red for my cheeks and I seriously can't even explain the tone of the redness for my nose!

Feels like winter! I do feel like winter.

Had a feeling that my ass froze to the ground and to make it more like winter I decided it is the appropriate temperature to start to listen to Christmas songs.

It wasn't hard to find them in my Ipod since for some reason I have 3 playlists that very innocently yells at the owner: "Christmas songs" (Can one please explain why I have 3 playlists with the same name and more than that- with the same tracks in it?!).

All the package: Let It Snow, Winter Wonderland, I'm Dreaming For a White Christmas, Jingle Bell Rock, All I Want For Christmas, Coming Home For Christmas, Last Christmas, Do They Know It's Christmas?, Carols Of The Bells and others that we can hear entering any shop that has a very determined sales management!

But besides all that- I am glad that seasons change, time comes and goes and I have all the necessary ingredients for a hot tee. I can even try to drown a marshmallow and believe me- I tried!

So now I am saying goodnight. I am all wormed up with fruit tee, sunken candy bodies... the only thing missing is some one who is sleeping now, but unfortunately not in my bed.

Have you opened the second door in the Advent Calendar???

in the middle

2008-11-29T00:49:00.000Z

so she is standing in the sea till her ankles! SO WHAT!

the only shit is that water feels like pouring down her throat and into her lungs. Beat that confusion.

I think she sometimes hates that turquoise blue sea that you can see in the movies. just give her a clear greenish all-naturalle sea in a day when it actually is clear and let her drown. sometimes when the sun is sky high she will, maybe she just needs some time!!! foolish girl.

One more down, many to go!

2008-11-19T21:50:00.000Z

So I slowly start to get my head around things I never said out loud, never actually tried or never thought I will manage to get right! Well-not all, but some.

Seems it's time to get my amoeba of a body into function and understand what it is capable to do, when I manage to get my ass out of bed by 9am, when the alarm went on 7.30, 8.00, 8.30, 8.40, 8.50... How cool is that?!

Today I had 2 hours in the studio to make the white background actually be vibrant white and the person standing in front on the camera look like a person, not an alien, who's is overexposed to radiation!

After the heat waves I got from carrying the light sets to the studio, after massive excitement that I finally have a clue where I can plug the equipment in, after a flow of desperation that came over me because I just wasn't able to do it, to get that bloody paper actually white, I did it! Feel so proud.

Eventually you understand how things are supposed to be. You understand where the brollies (nu tie baltie un melnie lietussardziņi, kurus rāda filmās!) go in to and what they do. You understand that if you panic, you get more fucked up then you were before. You understand that you can ask for help because why on Earth you need to figure it out by yourself, God made a whole world full of gray substance and/or brainpower to figure it out for you!

You understand that if you have a job, your childhood is over and vacations will get shorter.

Well I understood all that. And that I need to be alone and in silence to actually understand what I read and write. That I've been wanting to read a good erotic book for whole summer (any suggestions?!), and that I really, really, really enjoy "long exposure" sex when I get it (short one is for Monday mornings, Tuesday mornings, Wednesday mornings, Thursday mornings and Saturday afternoons no matter in what oder I get them)!

I slowly start to understand people have their own privet lives and they do not revolve just around me. My boyfriend has to study as well, not just day dream about me two weeks in a row until I can see him again (that actually was a little bit disappointing revelation).

Slowly I understand (it take me a little bit to get to the point of this all) that I am normal and I can do things Sometimes I just need practice!

Iegriez savu pasauli!

2008-11-18T22:12:00.000Z

Man liekas, ka es esmu iesēdusies karuselī, kārtīgā piedzīvojumu braucienā vislabākajā nozīmē, kur īstie piedzīvojumi sāksies pēc nākamā pagrieziena, kas saucas universitātes absolvēšana.

Mani fascinē viss, kas ar mani ir noticis no tā laika, kad es pametu Kuldīgu. Saprotiet mani pareizi, es to vietu mīlu līdz vīlēm, bet nu nekur nav iespējams justies neglītākai un stulbākai kā tur.

Liekas, ka tas ritenis ir jāiegriež. Pašai vnk jāņem un jāiegriež. Kā es to izdarīju - izbraucu no valsts. Un lai gan no sākuma visai lēni, tad tagad jau tas griežas pietiekami strauji, lai man vairs nebūtu garlaicīgi!

Gada laikā es esmu savus pirkstu nospiedumus atstājusi uz tādām virsmām, par kuru eksistenci, es tikai nojautu un tēlaini, kreatīvi iztēlojos. Kāds man var izstāstīt, kā es, mazvērtības kompleksu nomocīts jaunietis mazpilsētā, kurā sapuvušas jauniešu dvēseles ir uzskatītas par ideālāko jauniešu sadzīves, sociālās dzīves prototipu, varētu pat apsvērt tādas universālas domas kā pēc trešā kursa mans draugs varbūt gribēs iegūt maģistra grādu Parīzē?! Ar viņu un Parīzē-dod tik! Kā būtu ar brīvprātīgo darbu Āfrikā kkad starp izlaidumu un "atkal" pirmo skolas dienu!?

Tu steidzies pa Kuldīgas mazajām ielām. Varbūt kkur Liepājs ielas virzienā? Varbūt kkur piektdienas vakara virzienā? Varbūt kkur, kur ir "skaistie" cilvēki, varbūt kkur, kur es arī varētu būt tik pat skaista, koķeta?

Es iegriezu savu pasauli. Atļavu tai griezties lēnām, es ļāvos tai, es vienkārši ļāvos tai. Atvadies no sirds sāpēm tā paīstam. Tev liekas, ka kkas tev ir piemērots, bet dienas beigās ir pagājis laiks un tu sevi esi aplauzis... no mazās Kuldīgas (paturi to sirdī, skaistām ielām, jaukam bāram, JAUKIEM cilvēkiem, kuri ir tiešām skaisti un dvēseliski veseli vai veselīgi, vai kas tulkotos kā "whole") un iegriez pats savu pasauli tajā virzienā, kurā tu vēlies, lai tā griežas, BĻIN, lai tā griežas!

Pat ja domas par Parīzi un Āfriku ir tikai jaunības maksimālisma un īsteni radoša prāta tēlains nākotnes atraksts, izteikts skaļi, bez nekādas konkrētības... kad tu sāc dzīvot, tā kā pats vēlies, tas liekas, tik vienkārši, viss liekas tik sasniedzami!

man vislabāk patīk šī bilde, kur smejoties fotogrāfam notīcēja roka un mana galva "pēkšņi" vairs neiederējās rāmī!

Party-Party

2008-11-10T18:52:00.000Z

Well before I came to Britain I had my little idea how I would like to see my days here and my social life as well. AND the town where I live in!!!!!!! All of them went wrong in the first year I came here.
Except London… That little town called London was exactly how I imagined it to be and that is the saddest part of my story. I simply can’t reach the shelf! The place I ended up had almost one building that represented my idea of decent English town and it itself probably was locked up for demolition in due time for the noble reason “make this place better” and “sort out the mess between the train station and The Mall”. OK, maybe I am a little exaggerating: there are 2 buildings and the other one is some-place called “the Old Shop” for extremely cool people involved in-and-around Filmsock film festival and I have no idea how to get in there! As for the rest: I, unfortunately, still are as awkward as usual so even creative people think I’m dangerous to their “I’m artistic person and I hang around only that kind of breed” and the fact that I am still antisocial DOES NOT help this matter at all!

So I did end up, surprising myself, by being able to involve myself in the most lovely relationship I could possibly dream of and that brought some changes to my negligible social life! Because as it is, he is more communicative then I am… or every one just want to communicate with him. Doesn’t matter.
So his road led to exactly to that kind of place and people and PARTY as I wanted to find myself in one day (Who sais our wishes doesn’t come true?!)!
Sooo… be my guest and take a look! Welcome to the Hat Party!

Notes on the journey

2008-11-03T12:30:00.001Z

(03:00am) Notes on the journey home:
Although I never did really fall asleep in that brief moment it was impossible to wake myself up and get out of bed. while I was making my way through the town that was barely showing any traces of life in it, I thanked my commom sense for putting that bottle of water in my handbag.
My little beautiful mouth was tortured by thirst and my neat little head had a slight hangover headache from smirnoff...
The only people noticing me were 2 car drivers, after asking me if i was alright they drove away to their desired destinations.
"Yu wating for the bus? What time now?" Oh, I've got a waiting companion in the lenght of a midget! But his tiny size still msade me feel for a gram safer.
"Where's the F* taxi, it better (stroll to the right) show up soon, otherwise I'll smack (stroll to the left) it in it's F* face!" he really didn't make me feel safe, but if i'd smack him in the face he'd be neutralized! This gave me a little bit of adventurous feeling but kept me imaginery safe as well.
On the bus? My nearest passengers are a jew, the midget, extremely gentleman like old man and 20 other individuals that i'm not interested in.
Good night!

(05:17am) Noted on the journey home 2:
I feel special now-Starbucks coffee... I hate this place just because the cup's lid is leaking and they are playing "i feel good".
BUT one can choose between 4 different milks to add ones tea! Napkins that put guilt in people as they take even one: Less napkins. More plants. More planet. Fuck the planet- feel too tired to save it from destruction and the lid is leaking so i just took way more than i could possibly need!
Now, with a cup of tea in my hand and the best of worlds fashion in november 2008- THE VOGUE- I'm thinking I will give my hart that is missing you so badly a break for the weekend, it will have mom, Kate (my most wonderful causin that to whom the Vogue is going as a postcard, rather expensive one, from England), my most beloved friends and some Martini Asti.
But I have the idea that i'll miss you even more just before i'll allow myself to switch off as i imagine you giving me a good-night kiss and closing me in most loving hug, as every single of your hugs feel like that to me.
So now it's just the ladies and gate 33 on the list.

(08:40am) Notes on the journey home 3:
I've landed. Feel like rubbish and it's cold here. I'm HOME!
Good morning! :*

Youth is wasted by the young

2008-11-03T11:56:00.001Z

youth is wasted by the young i can agree on that. as well as when i was trying to concentrate on something else besides my hangover and headacke i came to the conclusion that youh is masochistic as well and it enjoys to stay like that as long as possible, because everyone wants to be 20 all the time!
no wonder people by the age of 50 are tired...
they are just tired of hurting themselfs with the shit they learnd to do while they wasting their youth
We drink alot, and then we hate the pain, but as an addiction in some kind of way we tend to come back to it on a regular basis. we smoke, we do drugs, we hate our lifes, our selves, but we never stop harming ourselfs
we embarrass ourselves by being fools and yet we still like doing it, because otherwise we wouldn't be having hangovers each weekend

kurs izsledza gaismu ???

2008-10-27T20:05:00.000Z

Pulkstenis pat vel nebija 6, kad es atkal devos uz skolu, lai mazliet pacatotu ar savu miloto (kurs pec intensivas dzimsanas dienas svinesanas 2 dienu garuma (jaatzist, ne savejas), piedzivo grutu dienu!) un vel paniekotos ar tam 2 bildem, kuras ir redzama Elina. Man butu vajadzigas vel 2 un tad es ceptu augsa mini izstadi kada maza vieta!

Kkur puscela man ka veseris pa pieri... blin, kur ir palikusi visa gaisma?! Kur ir palikusi mana mila dienas gaisma?! KURS ELLE RATA IR IZSLEDZIS GAISMU???
un tad mana asa smadzene izskaitloja un atrisinaja so noslepumu.

Te viena diena bija sakusies ziema. peksni ir tums pat tad, kad nav 6... Viena diena sakas ziema, viena diena sakas ziemas laiks. Redz kas apeda manu gaismu.
Bet es nesudzos.

Cilveki runa, ka parejot uz ziemas laiku mes iegustam vienu stundu. es sitai domai joprojam netieku klat, jo kas ir, tas ir: laiks iet un mes beigu beigas neko neiegustam, tikai zaudejam...
bet soreiz man ir vienalga.

-atceries, ka sonakt mes parejam uz ziemas laiku!
-es zinu... es tevi milesu vienu stundu ilgak!

Barmene

2008-10-27T20:04:00.000Z

Viens man bija skaidrs... es svidisu ka cuka vakara gaita tadel man ir nepieciesama dusa pirms es izeju no majas sija liktenigaja piektdienas vakara!
aleluja manam sapratam!

-hello!
-God, you look fresh!
-i am and i feel so! BUT you don't!

Mani kaitina tas lietas, kas izmaina dzivi pavisam. Pec tiem soliem atpakal cela vairs nav! Un man tas lietas kaitina, pat ja beigu beigas tas ir pozitivi. Mani piebeidz ta doma, ka kkas ir neatgriezensiki mainijies! No ta briza, kad tev ir sekss, tu vairs nevari iedomaties eksistenci bez ta... No ta briza, kad tava aizbildnieciba ir masina, tu vairs nevari iedomaties dzivi ka kajam gajejs lielos apmeros un kops ta briza, kad tu saproti, ka tava tikko nostradata stunda tev maka ieripinas paris monetinas-tev ir skaidrs, BLIN, dzive ir mainijusies pavisam un no si briza man bus jastrada. Vienmer, nepartraukti un lidz kapa malai... stulba sajuta!

- tated: te stav pudelu dzerieni. sie visi ir ali, sis plauks ir sidriem, talak mums ir visi ''krasainie dzerieni, tu parsvara pardosi tos sovakar, jo tie ir marcina pudele. tev vienmer ir japasaka, ka vk ir 2 marcinas tagad, bet vs ir marcina. seit ir visi "stiprie" dzerieni. tiek tiek pasniegti tikai sijas glazes, vienmer uz ledus, ja vien tev kads nepreasa bez. ja sis glazes ir beigusas, tad vari nemt pus pintes glazes, bet tas notiek reti, pat tad, ja vini jauc dzerienu ar jebkuru citu! seit ir sulas un viss parejais! ja tev sovakar maksies pildit alu glazes, es busu loti parsteigts un ja tev naksies pardod sampanieti es ari busu loti parsteigs, nedela nogales tas notiek reti. (PROTAMS man bija jauzpilda kadas 10alus glazes un japardod visdarbakais sampanietis... es vnk pasaucu menedzeri un vins teica, ka es esmu kkads magnets neierastiem (prieks piektdienas) pasutijumiem!!!)

Ja kads no pieaugusajiem man tuvakaja laika (neatceros vai vispar kads mankko tadu dzive ir teicis, bet tas ir mazsvarigi) pateiks: ko tu no darba vispar saproti! Liekas, ka es vinam varetu uzblaut atpakal: ja tu neesi kalis akmenus kkur Sibirijas vidiene vai stradajis bara, iespejams, tev nav ne mazakas nojausmas, ko nozime smags darbs!

Un tad, kad es vakar pec 3stundam, kas likas ka vesela muziba, saposu galvu, smeldzosam kajam, devos majas.... mans burbulis vienkarsi parspraga un dzives gudriba naca pie manis nemekleta un negribeta: tas nebija smags darbs. tas vienkarsi bija darbs un es tiesam nezinu, ko nozime smags darbs, es vienkarsi nezinaju ko nozime darbs!

Es apgulos sava gulta un tad es nevareju aizmigt. Man ausis skaneja: can i please have a Vk? it's 2£ now, but vs is a £. Can i please have, can i please have, can i please have, can i please have....

Tas ir brutals skrejiens cauri naktij. Es apkalpoju meiteni, kurai krutis bija tik stipri saspiestas kopa, ka likas, ka driz vina vienu otra saspiedis, es apkalpoju meiteni, kuras rokas bija nosetas ar sevis graizisanas retam, es veroju, ka pardzeries virietis izdzer vel vienu pudeli ar limonadei lidzigo dzerienu pa 1 marcinu.
Es tiku pie melna krekla ar izsutu uzrakstu eXchange! tas tagad mazgajas. manas darba drebes ir mercetas alkohola pilienos... alus, likieri, cola, dzerieni...

Man nepatik, ka man maksa maz, man nepatik, ka man sap kajas... bet man patik tas temps, kad tu vnk skrien, tu esi ta uz kuru cilveki skatas un beigu beigas tu esi ta, kura kko dara, lai dzive ietu uz prieksu.

P.S. man dzeremnauda pa vakardienu bija 10p. ZVERIGI! :))

Man ir Vogue portrets

2008-10-27T19:53:00.001Z

Es atradu sis bildes skenejot savus "vasaras" negativus. Filmas, kuras tika attistitas taja reize, tika sabojatas, pec tam, kad es tas jau biju nofotografejusi.

Bet neskatoties uz graudainumu, man liekas, ka sie atteli ir perfekti. Tikai mazliet sap sirds, ka vina tik vientula. Bet varbut vinai tagad ta ir labi!

Vakardienas trakums

2008-10-20T14:57:00.000+01:00

Mans profils. Aizvertas acis un neaprakstams maigums.
Man draugos joprojam si bilde ir. Un ta ir pievienota isajam citatam dienasgramata.
Es atceros, kadel es to uznemu un kads bija tas merkis. But burvigakai par maigu vasras ritu un tadai, kuru varetu iekarot, pat pie, kuri ir akli!
un man liekas, ka tas izdevas. man vajadzeju vienu mindalu mirkla, un viss: bilde ir gatava. Tad man ta pazuda. orginals pazuda ka pazuda Platona otrs dzeloju krajums par komediju, atstajot tikai vajas liecibas, ka man si bilde ir kadreiz bijusi un piederejusi.

Vajadzeja tiki iemineties, ka man to bildi gribetos re-take.
un peksni horseman lielformata view kameras objektivs tika paversts uz mani.
Mati tika atglausti un es novilku savas drebes, lai delikata kakla un plecu linija butu tik pat atklata, ka tur-taja bilde.
Nav pirma reize, kad es novelku savas drebes vina prieksa. es esmu bijusi vel vairak kaila ka vakar. Bet liekas, ka fakts, ka vins staveja aiz kameras un uz mani skatijas caur skatu mekletju, lika man mulst un justies neerti.

Es domaju, ka ta ir kamera, kas liek mums mulst. ne cilveks aiz tas.
Vai doma par to, ka vins piespiedis pogu, un tad es varesu ieraudzit sevi no malas. man liekas, ka es baidos pati no sevis, man ir bail ieraudzit sevi sastingusu laika, vairs nemainigu... tur nebus ne ko pienemt, ne atnemt. es... tada... tada poza... ar tadu stastu acis un viss... es uz muzigiem laikiem tur nemainiga. Bailes ir no ta, ka tas, kaa es pati sevi ieraudzisu man nepatiks. strunts par to, bet es to nespestu vairs mainit. un sis netikamais, pasas vizualais attels, iesedisies mana zemapzina ar piebildi, ka es nespeju to mainit. visi redzes manu vajumu nebut tik skaistai ka man gribetos.

ta bilde sanaks burviga. tai bus sava elpa un stasts. ta nebus pat tuvu lidziga tai, kuru man gribejas re-take. jo es tagad jau jutos mileta un iekarota tik pat loti, ka ikrita saulekts. stasts ir cits, gaisam ir cita.
ta bus burviga, pilnigi atskiriga bilde, kurai bus sava elpa, jo kamera, kas ir solis strap camera obscura un mudienu kameram, nes lidzi sev speju apburt ar unikalu kvalitati un vertibu sistemu, kuru mes nevar nokert meklejot citur, citas kameras.